I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
