youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
