I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm like, not good at living.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize