I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
