I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
