The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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