You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
