ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
