1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
