you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
