your parents love me but you hate me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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