Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
