I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
