i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
