It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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