Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We need to get me chipped asap
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
