I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
worst night to have a conscience
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Congratulations! We have a period
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