It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
