My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
