The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
