i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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