she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
