new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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