I cannot find my penis.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
