first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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