What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
