literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
