I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
