Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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