Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
