i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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