Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
