I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
