I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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