I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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