I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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