she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
