Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize