She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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