You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
NoShamevember. You game?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
