Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
