I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
