At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize