I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
