I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize