So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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