this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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