Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
