If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
