I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
