WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
