Say something about gay babies.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
