note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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