1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
