I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
