Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
