I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
