Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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