It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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