Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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