I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
