Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
